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Should couples share passwords?
Just how much do you trust your spouse or partner? Enough to share passwords? For some, passwords are the final frontier of privacy not only in financial matters, but in social media and email correspondence. But for others, there are no secrets when you're in a relationship — even risking the potential payback should a break-up sever the happy union.
The New York Times tells us about an "intimate custom" writer Matt Ritchel says is happening between teens in love: "sharing their passwords to email, Facebook and other accounts." The desire to be one even extends, the article claims, to couples creating identical passwords and letting each other read private emails and texts.
For some, it takes a court order to share so much.
But for others, it's imperative to know each other's passwords as part of an open, healthy and fully functioning relationship. Sometimes this comes after a loss of trust, as when one partner has cheated on the other. On the Surviving Infidelity website, where more than 34,000 members have exchanged stories of betrayal and support one another in the forums, there is a saying that becomes a mantra for many of them: "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." To that end, nothing is private anymore in order to facilitate healing for the offended party.
In this philosophy, those who have been unfaithful should share (or make open and available) not only passwords to their email accounts and Facebook, but also the contents of their text messages, phone logs, work and travel itineraries "without qualms."
Many in those forums mention how finding secret Facebook and email correspondences led to the big reveal of infidelity in their marriages and relationships, and we've seen surveys that attribute at least some fault in Facebook, though an informal poll we took at the end of year showed that nearly half of the 876 votes attributed the demise of their marriages with other factors. But 34 percent did blame Facebook.
Some of the teens in the New York Times article who opened themselves up were dealt a nasty lesson in human nature when their not-so-better halves decided to use the passwords in retaliation for perceived wrongs. The Times listed some examples:
The stories of fallout include a spurned boyfriend in junior high who tries to humiliate his ex-girlfriend by spreading her e-mail secrets; tensions between significant others over scouring each other’s private messages for clues of disloyalty or infidelity; or grabbing a cellphone from a former best friend, unlocking it with a password and sending threatening texts to someone else.
Take our poll and let us know if couples should share passwords.
More stories:
- Survey: Facebook-related divorces on the rise
- IceBreak is like couples therapy in an app
- Divorcing couple ordered to disclose Facebook passwords
- Facebook: Marriage killer?
Check out Technolog on Facebook, and on Twitter, follow Athima Chansanchai, who is also trying to keep her head above water in the Google+ stream.
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I would think that if you can't trust your spouse or partner with your password, then you are going to have a lot of issues in the relationship. My wife and I know each others passwords, only using them when someone wants the other person to check something for them etc, we don't snoop on each other and such.
Same here. I have seen men (happens with women too, but men more often use it for the reason I am mentioning) use the openness to abuse the woman and take kids from her even, so I can see why some people wouldn't want to share it all. But for us it isn't a big deal. I wouldn't be saying anything I would care if he read and same for him, and we sometimes need to get into the other's emails so it makes sense.
If there is a surprise for him I'll just make sure to ask him not to look or the surprise will be ruined, but otherwise he has no interest in reading my email and I don't his. We have common bank accounts, so no biggie there either. We are both responsible and honest with each other, so it isn't a big deal for us.
Everyone needs an outlet and if I have something to complain about I don't need the complaint read by the wrong person. This has nothing to do with nothing to hide, this has to do with no two personalities being alike. Let me explain. I have complaints about how my fiancee believes children should be raised, before I discuss that with her I might want the opinion of a few of my friends and email is the best way to communicate. I don't need her seeing that conversation because the friend might say something that would hurt her feelings or I might take that moment to blow off some steam. I can admit to her that I asked some of my friends but she doesn't need to know the details. This is just one of many examples.
She does not need access to my personal bank account and with having already been in the happily ever after failure of my first marriage I take nothing for granted. As a matter of fact, all the passwords of mine that she used to know have been changed. She is not aware of this and doesn't need to be. I am protecting what's mine. Bank and credit card accounts and any other online service that has my card numbers stored have been changed which I try to do regularly anyway. I also prefer not having one more way for a hacker to get my information.
Let's take something as simple as a Netflix account, this is a petty example but an example none the less. It also was another reason for the changes in passwords recently. Giving the Netflix password to her college dorm living son wasn't' such a big deal at first and I had only found out because I suddenly couldn't watch a streaming movie at the house because there were too many people logged in. Now it is a big deal but what made matters was when it dawned on me that I used that password on more than one site. More paranoia set in when I discovered that this same college student was giving his Xbox Live login information to friends of his on campus. Was he also passing out the Netflix login? Kids don't get it and will share anything, just look them up on Facebook.
This isn't as simple as the story makes it out. When you are told you should never give your password to anybody, they really do mean "anybody". She isn't as computer savvy as I am and could likely fall for a phishing scam. If it looks legit and she already has my information she should just go ahead and take care of that for me. Give them my username and password and credit card numbers etc...... I have explained safe surfing and what not to do on the web to her and her kids but yet I need to clean some garbage off the computer about once every three months.
Besides, I don't call it hiding, I call it keeping things private. She doesn't know everything about me and I have only asked her questions about her past that I want to know the answers too. Marriage is not bonding together two lives it's a new chapter for each involved. There is hers, mine and ours. You are still an individual no matter what type of relationship you are in.
Not everyone needs an outlet. I do not.
Giving your password to a college kid is silly. I would open a new account for my kid if she needed it.
Sharing email passwords is rather a matter of convinience than trust. You can always have more than one account - can't you?
And most of all - never ever type anything that you do not want others to read. If you want to complain about another person - do it verbally - in a conversation.
And I would think that if you can't trust your spouse to have an account fo which you don't know the password, the trust issues are infinitely worse.
We share our passwords. If you don't, then you have serious trust issues and are not in a good marriage !!! Simple as that !!!
@brownsbacker - I hope you see now why it is a very bad idea to use the same password on more than one site. It is inconvenient to keep track of them, but any site can be hacked (or your keystrokes/datastream can be compromised.) Keep a list, but not on a computer or other device that connects to any network. A written list can be compromised, but you would probably know about it.
Make strong passwords (if the site rules allow them), use them only at one place, don't share them with anyone (electronically or in person), etc. The same goes for security verifiers - it is safer to use nonsense words instead of the suggested thing. For "first grade teacher" use "barack eisenhower", and don't use that anywhere else.
@brown backer - you have relationship issue, seek help! Your own bank account?? when your married?? wow you got some problems.
If you dont share you password with your spouse, then you REALLY do have a relationship problem. Trust or not, if you are not willing to share your password, you better start planning for a divorce.
Its not about trust, this is way beyond trust.
If you want some privacy from your spouse then simplly you are hiding something. plain and simple.
Sloppyjoes--you nailed @brown backer exactly right but there's one thing you missed. My ex apparently didn't have a single functioning brain cell that he could call his own. He ran to his friends for their "opinions" which in reality was "advice" whenever I suggested something that he couldn't make up his mind about. He sought out his friends for their "opinions" on our finances, our sex life, the kids, the dogs, the satellite provider--just about everything except what we were having for dinner and I wouldn't be surprised to find out he consulted them on that too. @brown backer trusts no one except his friends and unless he has complete confidence in their love for him, they could be intentionally sending him down the wrong path. My sympathy to his partner.
Same for me. I have a list of passwords for sites I go to for my husband in case I need him to hop on for me. It's a matter of trust, I trust him not to abuse the information and watch everything I do, and he trusts me not to do anything he wouldn't feel comfortable with. When my father passed away, my mom had a devil of a time trying to get his email password and passwords to all the other sites he had, my husband and I agree that we don't want that for each other in the event something terrible happens.
I'm not in a relationship, but I can see the value - even for those who have nothing to hide - in having seperate passwords. For example, if you're ordering something online that is a gift, or for personal news that you'd rather share in person (for example, they probably shouldn't find out about a surprise visit by YOUR side of the family by email, that's better done by voice.)
I keep a file with my passwords and update it as necessary. My wife has access to it if anything happens to me.
It's never really been an issue in my marriage. I don't feel like I need to keep my husband informed every time I sign up for an online account or something, but if he needs to sign on to my e-mail or FB for some reason, he'll just ask for the password and I give it to him. By now, he does know most of them, and vica versa, but it's not like we go checking on one another all the time.
We have a joint bank account, so privacy is not even an option there. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. Money is the #1 cause of marital strife, so if you are not totally forthright in that area, you're in for trouble. It does sometimes make it hard to hide a surprise gift, but the risks of being secretive about money are not worth the rewards.
Pretty much the same for me, although we do keep separate bank accounts. We know most of each other's passwords because of convenience - it is nice to be able to handle something online for my husband, or he for me. But neither one of us is interested in snooping in each other's email, or perusing Facebook messages, or any of that nonsense. What would be the point?
We only keep separate bank accounts because I'm good at saving, and he isn't, and we both know it. We're open about how much money we have, and divvy up the bills according to our incomes, and there isn't any problem.
Trust not only means being open with your partner about everything, it also means being comfortable enough not to snoop.
If my boyfriend has questions, he can ask me and I'll open up any account he wants, but I have personal emails to my best friends where they tell me very intimate and personal things about their lives, that they certainly wouldn't want him to read. And frankly, vice versa. He's also on my facebook page, and sees anything that people post, and vice versa.
I don't believe couples should live in each others pockets. There has to be space to have friendships outside of the relationship, and heaven knows I don't WANT to read most of the emails he gets from his buddies.
To each their own, I say. There's no blanket policy that works for all couples, but I know there's no way I'll ever marry a man who insists on having my account passwords. That just wouldn't work for me.
Brokinarrow - ditto. If you have to hide something, doesn't that mean you shouldn't be doing it? Something we learn early on around here...
One joint credit card, two joint bank accounts, don't do social networking. Wife has all of my account passwords and I have hers. Don't feel a need to wait for probate if something happens to either of us.
My wife and I have Joint checking and a Joint Email account. For any "surprises" i utilize my work email.
It's a personal decision, but I a very independent person that is secure in that aspect and people who know me well, know that comes with the territory and learn to accept that. I respect others' privacy needs as well, so I would never ask anyone in my life to provide me with their password (maybe the password to their computer but not their email password), and I don't believe in joint bank accounts, from personal experience. It's none of my business how much money you have in your bank account and how you spend it, and viceversa, that's just how I feel. As long as expenses are being divided fairly and are being covered, that's all that matters to me. Also, I am not one to check cellphones and expect the same from my partner. Why drive yourself paranoid with stuff like that?
I keep all my passwords in a file in the bank box , so my family can access anything I have if anything were to happen to me. I agree, if you can't trust your family then you have more serious issues.
Odd, I did the exact same thing. My mother and daughter both have access BUT, they need me OR Death Certificate. Did this YEARS ago!
It's important for them to have access to these as safe deposit boxes are typically sealed upon notification of the box owner's death.
Nope, I don't share my passwords with anyone. Honestly, I think there are a hell of a lot worse trust issues if your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend cannot trust you enough to let you have that little shred of privacy. Besides if it's that big of a deal, I'd kick the girl to the curb, there are plenty of others out there.
Whatever works for adults is their own business, but now that I know this password sharing is a trend with kids, I'll definitely have a talk with my kids about how this is a bad idea. Too many ugly teenage breakups!
Mu husband and I share the same e-mail address, and always have. Our daughter got her own e-mail address only with certain conditions when she was 15. We keep our passwords on 3x5 cards near the computer. Kind of old-fashioned, I guess.
Grammar Police-3950753; Make haste to obtain the latest Consumer Reports edition apropos to passwords. It will serve as a rude awakening for you. Good luck with those 3x5 cards near the computer; you are going to need it.
We know each other's passwords. We have so many that I keep them all in an ewallet. My husband is always trying to remember the password he used that he invariably gets locked out of the bank or something because he tried too many times. I've used an ewallet on my phone since 2003 or so. I finally put all his stuff in there to and put a copy on his phone and computer.
So, yeah, we know each others passwords. I don't read his email. I don't think he reads mine. We trust each other so it's no big deal.
dsb - I love your expression, I don't think he reads mine. That's what happens when you think.
I do not have anything to hide from my wife and occasionally I have had to call her to log onto one of my various password protected accounts for me. So not only do I have nothing to hide, having her know my passwords has been helpful.
Of course. Couples should share passwords in the same way and to the same extent they share used toilet paper. Was this a serious question???
Unequivocally, no. Passwords have nothing to do with love or marriage. Consumer Reports latest edition conveys some very conclusive information apropos to passwords and reasons for not sharing them. There is nothing in my wife's computer that I have a need to know. Her finances are personal to her much in the same way mine are to me. As to her emails, whom she emails and who emails her is between them. If ever she feels she has something to hide from me, she becomes the loser, not me. Marriage in and of itself is not, cannot, nor will it ever be about love. Marriage is about one and only one thing;commitment. If married persons are committed to their responsibilty, everything else will follow;trust, love, caring, ad infintum. To thy own self be true.
As for children sharing passwords, one can almost expect this generation to try and/or do anything. That mindset can be traced back to those responsible for rearing them. My take on many of these so-called modern day events is simply Bibical in it's perspective; 'when I was a child, I acted like a child, thought like a child, did child like things. But, when I became a man, I put away childish things'.
Teens should NEVER share their passwords. Passwords are not the real issue when it comes to a marriage, but keeping financial secrets is.
I think it's important to be totally open and honest with your spouse. But, that said, if your spouse is trustworthy and you trust him/her, it's not all that important. My wife has shared her passwords with me, but the fact is, I have not made it a point to remember them. We share the passwords to our financial accounts, because we both need access. But, I don't think it's important, nor healthy, for me to have the ability to "spy" on my wife's conversations with her friends. If she has a conversation with someone and she wants to share it with me, she will.
For some, this my seem naive, but for the truth is, if your wife or husband is going to have an illicit relationship, having his or her passwords isn't going to stop it from happening. He or she will simply become more creative in their efforts.