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Subscribe to RSSOne hundred and thirty-five years after Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call, the art of chatting on the phone has been dialed down. NBC's Jamie Gangel reports.
Phone calls, says 16-year-old Audrey, can be dangerous. Things can get "out of control." Like many teens, and a growing number of adults, she prefers text-messaging, instant messaging, or Facebook as ways to communicate rather than using the phone.
With texting, "you get your main points off; you can really control when you want the conversation to start and end. You say 'Got to go, bye.' "
Audrey is one of 300 teens, and 150 adults, interviewed by MIT professor Sherry Turkle for her book, "Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other." Audrey’s featured in a chapter appropriately named, "No need to call.”"
"Young people become anxious about such things as 'How will I end a conversation?' and 'What if my friend has had a really hard time and I don't know how to help?' " Turkle said in an interview."In the past, they dealt with such anxieties. Now, texting and messaging provide a way to bypass these anxieties."
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It’s not just teens who loathe making a phone call; it’s a growing number of adults who will "go to great lengths to avoid a telephone conversation," she said. "Adults say that they are so pressed with the amount of messages they have at work that they don't have time for the luxury of 'real time' conversation."
A decade or so ago, e-mail was a common way to avoid a phone call. It’s still heavily used, but text messaging has soared since late 2001 in the United States. That’s when wireless service providers "began to connect their networks for text messaging, allowing subscribers on different networks to exchange text messages," according to the Common Short Code Administration, part of the CTIA wireless trade group in the U.S.
Now, there are more than 7 billion text messages sent every month in the U.S., the organization says.
One of the main reasons people give for "turning away" from voice is the way "text provides feelings of control and essentially a place to hide," says Turkle.
Phone calls not only take time, but require energy and emotion, two "e" words that many of us seem to lack these days. We’re inundated with Facebook, texting, IM’ing, Skype, Twitter and e-mail. By increasingly relying on those ways of communicating, we’re losing the part of ourselves that can really just … talk to another person, one on one.
While many of us may dislike using the phone, here’s a third "e" word that can help: Etiquette, and not in the old-fashioned-y sense.
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When it comes to phone calls, are you:
"We have become so busy multitasking that we are losing interpersonal skills for phone communication and even face-to-face communication," says Sue Fox, author of "Etiquette For Dummies" and "Business Etiquette For Dummies."
Here are some etiquette tips, or recommendations, about dealing with phone calls:
- Speak in an "even" tone, and clearly: As speakers, we often "mumble, shout, whisper, or speak with food in our mouths," Fox says.
- Don’t talk while being distracted by all the technology around you. Go to a room or area where there is no other technology that can tempt you with interruptions. Find a comfortable chair (or area to stand), where you can just focus on the phone call, and not be lured by beeps, message flashes, screens and other white-noise interruptions of technology.
- As a listener, your job is to "really listen," says Fox. Sounds simple, but, she says, "as listeners, we do other things when we’re supposed to be listening, listen without hearing anything the other person says, or respond to another person’s question from left field — with an entirely different topic.”
- "Find the correct distance from your mouth to hold the receiver so that your voice doesn’t sound like part of the ambient background, or like a hectoring protester speaking into a bullhorn,” she says.
- "Exercise patience on the phone, and let other people finish their sentences."
- "Confirm you’re listening with periodic (verbal) sounds, such as 'ah-hah' 'yes' and the like."
- Believe it or not, your "posture when you speak on the phone strongly affects how you sound to the person on the other end" as well as "the energy that comes across on the telephone," Fox says. "Don’t slump in your chair; sit up straight. Also, smiling while you speak can actually make the tone of your voice more pleasant." (Who knew?!)
- "Never use phone calls as an opportunity to get caught up with paper-shuffling," she says. (This is a big one for me, I admit it: Guilty!)
- "Remind yourself that feeling 'out of control’ in a phone call is just a state of mind," says Turkle. “You can warmly and firmly set boundaries in a phone call. Say: 'I wanted so much to hear your voice … It always lifts me up. But I only had five minutes. So, if it's okay with you, let's chat for those five minutes. It would be precious to me.' " Meaning, says Turkle: "Reaffirm what is precious about the phone call, that you will hear the voice — and take out of the phone call the thing that may mar it for you — the tension that it might interfere with other responsibilities, other pressing matters."
- You may not like to talk on the phone, but "keep up telephone contact with close friends," Turkle says. "They have things to say that they don't want to say in e-mail or text. Count on it. You will hear things in the cadence of their voice, their inflection. Learn to limit these conversations; it is a crucial life skill. Learning it with friends who care about you will put you in good stead for the rest of your life."
We should consider voice contact "a sacred space" for fostering intimacy, Turkle says. "You need it with certain people and at certain life moments. I have studied families that have been fractured when parents or siblings have been informed by e-mail that new babies are expected — or that couples are engaged. Again, technologies of efficiency are brought into moments of intimacy — but at cost."
She believes in using the phone for both "very good news and very bad news."
People, she says, "want and need to console each other. They want and need to celebrate with each other. Remember that these moments, good and bad, make up a life." And the telephone needs to be part of it.
More about technology in our lives:
- Why does Facebook dislike pregnancy photos?
- Doctor diagnoses boy's leukemia on Facebook
- Nearly 1 out of 5 surf Web from behind the wheel
- Social networking sites making us 'less human'?
Check out msnbc.com's Technolog on Facebook, and on Twitter, follow Suzanne Choney, who admits she does not like to talk on the phone, and has noticed the same discomfort among others.
Leave a Comment:
When talking to a Tech on the phone when your computer is broken......use these techniques! there are plenty more as well (most of which is common sense). But these apply for dealing with the guy/gal who is working on your machine as well! Too many times there are distractions when talking to a tech (normally the tech is on the other end of the phone and has been trained on how to speak to you..) and diagnosing a problem when some chatterbox is talking about your vacation is quite annoying. Multitasking when on the phone is always a bad idea.
I have two issues with using the telephone for business:
1) The calls take too much time, or you end up playing phone tag and leaving messages
2) There is no record of the discussion. At least e-mail leaves a trail. I need the visual backup; I can't rely on my memory or interpretation of the conversation. Following up with an e-mail to rephrase everything takes up even more time.
I recently started customer service for a company and I was specifically told to do Email if at all possible just for the sake of the paper trail. If we made a phone call we were supposed to make a record, but it was still hard for someone else taking over that customer to know what was said in that conversation.
I'm in my early seventies. I've never been a phone person...not the sociable type, I guess. Now, when my nephew calls, I can never think of anything to say to him.
But a decade ago, I loved e-mail! It allows you to compose long, carefully written letters, editing and making changes way more easily than if you were typing on paper (let alone writing in longhand). You can take time to make sure you're replying to everything your correspondent may have said, and showing interest in his/her opinions as well as your own. And you aren't imposing on anyone...the recipient can read your e-mail at midnight, two days later, or not at all.
But all my e-mail correspondents drifted away, when they lost interest in the fandom or political issue that we'd initially had in common. I'm afraid not many people enjoy reading or writing long, thoughtful letters these days.
I totally agee with you!! I would rather write someone an email than talk on the phone, or write a letter, or text. That way I can say what I need to say, in more than 140 characters and be on my way. Luckily my corespondents still use email.
Love my email, but don't mind using the phone appropriately. Interesting that the poll with this article doesn't include people like me who actually know how to talk to another human being.
Frankly, I find it incredibly sad that we now need tips for "dealing with phone calls." Pretty soon we're all going to be blathering idiots who don't know how to carry on a conversation, construct a complex sentence, treat another human being or have anything more than a 30 second attention span. It's absolutely ridiculous that a simple human conversation has become an "issue." How is "16-year-old-Audrey" ever going to get through life if a simple phone conversation is a cause for anxiety? Don't know how to end a conversation? How to help a friend? Honey, you need those skills all the way through life--both on and OFF the phone.
Well said.
I have no interest in texting whatsoever. I will not even reply to the occasional text I do receive. I will use email throughout the course of my work day and the advantages to using email for business is obvious. However, I find it amazingly odd when i see a group of people (usually younger) not talking to each other but frantically texting. Moreover, I have even been in the middle of a conversation with someone and that person responded to a text mid-sentence. And to add insult to injury, according to HR I am unable to fire this individual for the inexcusably rude act. If i want or need to communicate with someone i will talk to them. Granted, I may be a dinosaur when it comes to technology but I cannot grasp this addictive attraction to texting.
"Bypassing" means not learning how to deal with this very ordinary part of human life.
A good observation.
My thought: Could texting be another way of prolonging an already overlong adolescent period? Adults need to learn how to deal with emotional situations face to face and in real time. It is a messy but necessary life skill. Staring at small screens and rapidly texting abbrevations as a substitute for real feelings? Not so much.
Here, Here I can't agree with you more. I think I have sent maybeeee 6 texts in my life (i,m 60) and work in the IT field. Most of the people I work with just use the instant message to communicate. We don't care about spelling that much either. Texting for me is just not an interest.
My problem is that my friends only feel the need to call me when I'm watching tv, then they go on and on about things I neither know about nor care about. They know I'm not paying attention to them but they don't care. I think they enjoy being a distraction to what I really want to do!
I started texting several months ago when my son told me that was his preferred method of communicating with me. while it was slow going at first, it's like anything. the more u use it, the easier it gets. one of my sister's and I occasionally text (we are both in our 50's) but nothing really beats the old phone call for real intimacy. it's very hard to carry on a real conversation, in any depth, with text. and nothing beats the sound of someone's voice, when you really want to connect.
I still like to talk on the phone I'm just old school it's personal and sometimes you just want to hear the persons voice. Most people are hiding behind emails it's easy to avoid people now days breakup never respond etc.... I text sometime but texting can get lost in translation and I just have way more to say. For work I definetly prefer to send emails not unless were going back and forth then you have to make a call.
i text but only to confirm meeting dates and times etc. Not much to 'communicate' anything more. I only started texting a few weeks ago because a lot of people only want to text instead of talk. But about the phone thing i get that too. one of my friends is housebound and bored. while i love her dearly she goes on and on and on because her memory isn't what it used to be. i don't call her nearly as much as i used to because i simply don't have an hour of time or more to spare.
It depends, sometimes I am not in the mood to be typing back and forth, but sometimes, if the topic is awkward, texting seems to be the easier alternative, rather than dealing with uncomfortable long pauses on the phone. I must admit I feel more comfortable talking to strangers via email than I do over the phone. I guess it's because I must talk to them over the phone at work that I have this aversion to doing it on my personal time as well, plus I am shy with strangers and can sometimes stutter.
You are shy? I don't buy it. You probably have guys or gals falling over themselves to talk to you.
I love texting, I just wish my mom would get into it.
There's nothing like calling her to tell her I'm running about 15 minutes late and need to run by the store on the way to her house...then end up talking on the phone for half an hour about something that could have easily waited until I got there to discuss.
There's no polite way to say "Would you just shut up so I don't end up running even later?"
By the time she's done, I'm now 45 minutes late instead of 15. All because she doesn't have texting on her phone
I find it interesting that etiquette has come a full circle. I remember being forced to write my thank yous and condolences...the phone was just too quick, too easy, and did not allow for thoughtful presentation.
Now we are complaining that individuals will not take the time to phone, rather they hide behind the written word (I refer here to email, not that cack called texting). A nicely written mail (E or snail) is a convenience to both the sender and receiver. The sender can fully say what they intend, and the receiver can read the mail at their pleasure, not at the sender's pleasure.
And in many instances, it's nice to have a copy of the letter, which says "thank you", or offers congratulations or condolences, to keep.
I still write out thank you notes and condolences and send them by "snail mail". It's the way I was taught and I taught my kids the same.
Thank God, fewer people having long, boring, loud, personal cell phone conversations in public! Much better to have texting distracted throngs, who can't be "out of touch" for a second, walking into traffic, into buildings, into each other, or who text while bicycling and driving...
phn calling is really needed...though it sometimes seems annoyin...but u cant really show ur feelings and expressions with mere smileys..so its needed!
Whatever happened to writing letters? I know I know, before some smart *** tells me its e-mail, I'll say it. These are the type of things they should teach in schools instead of expecting everyone to pick up on it, that's why so much misunderstanding is going on. Hell I don't like to call,I can always find something better to do. May be mean but it's honest. People get so caught up on "how many times they receive a call. They barely get mad over how many times they get a text unless its way too many. Never seem to care about the quality or how they treat people just as long as they get a call just to make themselves feel better, and have the nerve to rethink of themselves as happy successful extroverts with great life skills. Pssh please.
I'd rather IM just so I could actually give out my message without sounding like an idiot in the process, and like what other posters say, I have a sense of control with the conversation, and actually reduce my chances of saying the wrong message that the other person does not want to hear. On top of this, I'm 9 out of 10 times stuck playing phone tag with whoever I want to get in touch with, and that is more cumbersome than needed just because we're both under very busy schedules. Last, but not least, I am sick of being mistaken for a woman when I'm talking on the phone just because my voice sounds like Ralph Macchio.
To be honest, I'm sick of articles like these, that try and tell people that what they are doing is wrong, or is degrading, etc. I'm a teenager, and I talk to my friend on the phone for hours at a time still, as well as my grandparents, (who, ironically, email me more than they talk to me via phone calls), and my parents, or anyone else. There are days when I won't even look at my phone, and I rarely ever get into long text conversations (unless it's in school or with someone that I like - in which case it's a totally different story).
As for snail mail, I love to get mail. Colleges impress me more when I've gotten something from them in the mail than when I get one of a million emails.
But don't just assume that people are losing their abilities to communicate - not only is it wrong, it's rude. Honestly, is there nothing more important in the world for you people to write about, and/or comment on?
Thank you, Jayme. Hit the nail on the head for me.